The Jasper Chronicles

The Journal of a Cynical Dad

Thursday, August 02, 2007


Last week The Boy and I were building Toilet Paper Castles on our bed*. The game consisted of me building a castle, and The Boy tearing through it like a giant who just "Fe-Fi-Fo-Fummed" an Englishman.

After charging through the castle walls, The Boy would finish off the destruction by kicking the rolls off the bed. Not only was this two fun-filled hours of father/son playtime, it presented me with the opportunity to fulfill a childhood dream. You see, ever since I was old enough to remember I've wanted to pull the Lucy - Charlie Brown football gag on someone.

It's a classic Peanuts routine - Lucy holds a football for Charlie Brown, and just before he kicks the ball Lucy pulls it away, sending Charlie Brown tumbling to the ground. If I was ever going pull this gag on someone, this was pretty much my best chance. I didn't see any harm in it, at worse The Boy would fall backwards onto the bed and laugh his face off. So he'd have fun, and I'd get to cross off another "do-before-you-die" item off the list.

I set-up another castle (a nice bungalow with bay windows). The Boy knocked it over and started kicking the toilet paper off the bed. He took aim at a roll lying in front of me and began charging. He swung his leg towards the roll and just before he made contact I pull it away.

Hallelujah! Years of waiting had finally come to an end. Everything unfolded just like I imagined it would. The Boy kicked right through the spot where the toilet paper roll was and just like Charlie Brown, began teetering. A smile was starting to break on my face when BOOM! the follow-through placed his foot square in the middle of my crotch.

I crumbled faster than one of the Toilet Paper Castles.** I suppose this was really my fault, but deep down I suspect The Boy did it on purpose. This wouldn't be the first time he's seriously hurt me.

I'll tell you about that some other time.

*I'm just as surprised as you are to discover we own THAT much toilet paper.

**I believe this is the world's first occurrence of a Toilet Paper Castle related injury.